Sunday, April 03, 2005
Normal life is going on all around me. People going about their business, as usual. I watch them and wish I could feel and exude the confidence and I-don't-give-a-shit attitude they all seem to have.
It's so easy to forget what my "normal" is when there is a week or two, a few times a year, that completely changes how I feel. During that time I forget how scared I am most of the time, and how alone and pathetic and (on and on) empty and useless I feel and am.
It only takes a visit. And that time flies by in a blink. And when it's over, I can't seem to remember how I could've possibly managed to go through anything alone again. How did I get things done and take care of the daily bullshit of work and at-home routines that pathetically, is all there was and is to my life? Save for those blinks, there is nothing else worth existing for.
I'm sharing the agony and ecstasy of a long distance relationship. Every arrival is an exquisite terror rewarded with the most wonderful feeling of love there can ever be, and every departure is a crushing death, with much warning ahead of time that it's coming and exactly when. And knowing only makes it worse. Utopia must end, no matter what.
There is mourning every time. Hours and days and even weeks of desolation and severe depression. It happens every time. But we still go through it.
With neither of us willing or courageous enough to make the extreme sacrifice, we're both destined to continue this emotional roller-coaster (its hell and heaven, unequally balanced, there's too much time apart).
It's the best thing, to feel so good, even for such a short time. But how much can an aching, lonely, needy (and selfish) heart take?
Hopefully, a lot. I just need some strength. (and patience)
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It's so easy to forget what my "normal" is when there is a week or two, a few times a year, that completely changes how I feel. During that time I forget how scared I am most of the time, and how alone and pathetic and (on and on) empty and useless I feel and am.
It only takes a visit. And that time flies by in a blink. And when it's over, I can't seem to remember how I could've possibly managed to go through anything alone again. How did I get things done and take care of the daily bullshit of work and at-home routines that pathetically, is all there was and is to my life? Save for those blinks, there is nothing else worth existing for.
I'm sharing the agony and ecstasy of a long distance relationship. Every arrival is an exquisite terror rewarded with the most wonderful feeling of love there can ever be, and every departure is a crushing death, with much warning ahead of time that it's coming and exactly when. And knowing only makes it worse. Utopia must end, no matter what.
There is mourning every time. Hours and days and even weeks of desolation and severe depression. It happens every time. But we still go through it.
With neither of us willing or courageous enough to make the extreme sacrifice, we're both destined to continue this emotional roller-coaster (its hell and heaven, unequally balanced, there's too much time apart).
It's the best thing, to feel so good, even for such a short time. But how much can an aching, lonely, needy (and selfish) heart take?
Hopefully, a lot. I just need some strength. (and patience)
(0) comments
