NotDreaming

I spend so much time and energy hating my(self, and my) life, and aspects of it. Sometimes I wonder if all that energy, if channeled into some healthy activity/endeavor, would actually change the quality in any way, or would it just make me more angry and tired, and *still* hating my life? I wonder. So easy to just wonder and let it be. Never do anything except *be* angry* and unhappy and whatever else. Changing is so difficult. Even frightening. Takes courage, and luck, and maybe some chance. And that doesn't even have anything to do with the outcome. Which makes it all just so much easier to just sit here and *be* unhappy, and continue hating my life (or so many aspects of it). Because I know whatever it is now, it can *still* all too easily get so much worse.

I do try and remind myself of what I should be content with. Or grateful for. The reasons I should be less unhappy. It really can get so much worse. And I don't want it to. Change it bad. Routine is good. Mantra of my life. Well, one of them. Change bad, routine good. Along with the usual "just do your f*ckin' job and go home" at-work mantra. Because sometimes, that's hell too. Black mood's are no stranger to me.