Wednesday, May 05, 2004
Shrinking. Sometimes it feels like everything I do is so wrong, leaving less and less of actual things done right. If there was ever anything. Probably not. Shrinking. (what's left that's good?) I know I'm not imagining the feeling of no one listening to me. (by this I mean, "paying attention") I have proof (yea, I know, so what?). The fact that I can't decently express myself (verbally, in text) probably factors in. It's not like I don't try. But I have a feeling that's not the only factor. Not everyone has something to say, or share, or give, that anyone at all anywhere wants anything to do with. Maybe it's just my imagination that everyone around me is so much more important. (yea right). And I am just in the way. Here, taking up space and contributing nothing useful whatsoever. Quite possible.
Just doesn't seem to be a reason to keep trying. But these thoughts and feelings have to go somewhere. Can't just "cry" them away. (crying leads to wanting comfort, and if there's no one to comfort, it's much too easy to fall deeper and deeper into that pathetic self pitying black hole of I-hate-me's. Not that that's not a familiar place. It is. Too familiar). Can't scream them or write them away. I'm certainly not creative enough to express my rage (et-all) artistically. Sometimes wish I could paint or draw. (Anyone can paint/draw. But I mean something that actually looks like something. Beautiful or otherwise)
How do you get it out when you suck at trying? (or rather, how do I release, when I can't even do *that* right?)
Pathetic.
What's shrinking? Those self-torturing hopeful options (that I likely imagined)? The narrow field of vision I allow myself to see life through? My will? (to what? deal? we all deal until we can't, don't we?)
I have this little fantasy I cling to sometimes. It changes with the current situation. A little movie that plays in my head that keeps me (when it can, it doesn't always work) from focusing on every little detail of why I hate (my life, people, unfair circumstances, etc), or what the latest slight, insult, upsetting situation was. Sometimes it's just something that prevents me from reliving and repeating the same uncomfortable situations over and over and over again (with a million different outcomes. All the should've and could've and if only I _____ ).
Just a stall tactic I suppose. (And one that often works the other way, keeping me awake at night, reliving painful moments in an endless loop) Can't run away from my own fuckups indefinitely. (and by fuckups, I suppose I mean, getting out of bed in the morning, because it all usually goes to hell from that point on). Can't shelve the tears (anguish or sorrow or anger) forever. I certainly suck at hiding my anger. Or controlling it. Everything stays bottled in most of the time but sometimes there it is. Usually at the wrong time. Hard to say I'm sorry then. (yes, of course, but I feel it and think it, if that counts. Probably not)
Where do those unheard, unwanted, unvented emotions go? How can I channel them somewhere useful? (Like into house cleaning; those depression-inspired cleaning binges don't accompany my crashes as often as they used to. Maybe age is factoring in here. Lack of sleep/energy/something else is preventing me from being useful in one of the only ways I see myself as being mildly useful). Good excuse if nothing else.
I need more than that though. A reason, a purpose, a point. Doesn't everyone? A need fulfilled, an ache relieved, a sadness alleviated. Something. Someone. A reason.
What's yours?
Just doesn't seem to be a reason to keep trying. But these thoughts and feelings have to go somewhere. Can't just "cry" them away. (crying leads to wanting comfort, and if there's no one to comfort, it's much too easy to fall deeper and deeper into that pathetic self pitying black hole of I-hate-me's. Not that that's not a familiar place. It is. Too familiar). Can't scream them or write them away. I'm certainly not creative enough to express my rage (et-all) artistically. Sometimes wish I could paint or draw. (Anyone can paint/draw. But I mean something that actually looks like something. Beautiful or otherwise)
How do you get it out when you suck at trying? (or rather, how do I release, when I can't even do *that* right?)
Pathetic.
What's shrinking? Those self-torturing hopeful options (that I likely imagined)? The narrow field of vision I allow myself to see life through? My will? (to what? deal? we all deal until we can't, don't we?)
I have this little fantasy I cling to sometimes. It changes with the current situation. A little movie that plays in my head that keeps me (when it can, it doesn't always work) from focusing on every little detail of why I hate (my life, people, unfair circumstances, etc), or what the latest slight, insult, upsetting situation was. Sometimes it's just something that prevents me from reliving and repeating the same uncomfortable situations over and over and over again (with a million different outcomes. All the should've and could've and if only I _____ ).
Just a stall tactic I suppose. (And one that often works the other way, keeping me awake at night, reliving painful moments in an endless loop) Can't run away from my own fuckups indefinitely. (and by fuckups, I suppose I mean, getting out of bed in the morning, because it all usually goes to hell from that point on). Can't shelve the tears (anguish or sorrow or anger) forever. I certainly suck at hiding my anger. Or controlling it. Everything stays bottled in most of the time but sometimes there it is. Usually at the wrong time. Hard to say I'm sorry then. (yes, of course, but I feel it and think it, if that counts. Probably not)
Where do those unheard, unwanted, unvented emotions go? How can I channel them somewhere useful? (Like into house cleaning; those depression-inspired cleaning binges don't accompany my crashes as often as they used to. Maybe age is factoring in here. Lack of sleep/energy/something else is preventing me from being useful in one of the only ways I see myself as being mildly useful). Good excuse if nothing else.
I need more than that though. A reason, a purpose, a point. Doesn't everyone? A need fulfilled, an ache relieved, a sadness alleviated. Something. Someone. A reason.
What's yours?
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