NotDreaming

Headaches. So many. So often. Why?
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And another, because I just want to ramble about it. And, ahem, admit my failure in following through....

I tried writing in a Gratitude Journal for a time. Read some hokey magazine article that said "You Can Improve Your Mood and Self Esteem!"......I wonder if that only applied to the shiny-happy people. Because I couldn't keep it up for long. I kept "being grateful" for the same 5 things (the article suggested writing down 5 things). And it seemed a temptation of the fates to alter those 5 very important things.

So it sat on my desktop, mocking me. Until last night. :::delete:::

I'm no shiny-happy. And it'll probably take more than that to improve my mood. More sleep would help I guess. But how does one turn off one's mind for long enough to get some decent sleep?
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I spend so much time and energy hating my(self, and my) life, and aspects of it. Sometimes I wonder if all that energy, if channeled into some healthy activity/endeavor, would actually change the quality in any way, or would it just make me more angry and tired, and *still* hating my life? I wonder. So easy to just wonder and let it be. Never do anything except *be* angry* and unhappy and whatever else. Changing is so difficult. Even frightening. Takes courage, and luck, and maybe some chance. And that doesn't even have anything to do with the outcome. Which makes it all just so much easier to just sit here and *be* unhappy, and continue hating my life (or so many aspects of it). Because I know whatever it is now, it can *still* all too easily get so much worse.

I do try and remind myself of what I should be content with. Or grateful for. The reasons I should be less unhappy. It really can get so much worse. And I don't want it to. Change it bad. Routine is good. Mantra of my life. Well, one of them. Change bad, routine good. Along with the usual "just do your f*ckin' job and go home" at-work mantra. Because sometimes, that's hell too. Black mood's are no stranger to me.
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How strange to see how many other Blogs out there are so similar in name to mine. And here I thought I was being so creative. pft. Guess not! Oh well. This one's mine. Maybe I'll manage to do something with it. Even if it's only to record whatever inane thought I'm thinking of at the time. ::yawn::!
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I like birds these days. They're kind of liberating to watch. They can fly anywhere, anytime they want to. Sometimes I wish i could escape so easily.
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This is the begining of nothing special. Or perhaps, nothing at all.
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