NotDreaming

Yep, I'm still around....



Remember how high they were in the summer? Oy. Brace yourselves for the rebound but for now, enjoy it. I am.
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Pretty sad when I want to spend more time in my imaginary world than in the real one.

Sad but....oh, the fantasy land is usually so much better.

Tsk.
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Pretty fucking smart for a squirrel. Check out the video: Foamy: Hurricane Special.



Wealthy, poor, white, black, brown. It shouldn't matter. Lives could've been saved here. Drowning or dehydration, or worse....what a terrible way to go. The death toll is in the 1,000's now. All just an estimate of course. There's still too much water. (yes, heads should roll...but wait... the government is trying to recoup, cover their asses. as usual. typical) It's too much, whatever the number. All preventable. That's the disgusting part of this.

I wonder if other cities in similar areas (in this country and any other) actually have evacuation plans to avoid this type of mass murder of its citizens.
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Yep. This about covers it.
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Normal life is going on all around me. People going about their business, as usual. I watch them and wish I could feel and exude the confidence and I-don't-give-a-shit attitude they all seem to have.

It's so easy to forget what my "normal" is when there is a week or two, a few times a year, that completely changes how I feel. During that time I forget how scared I am most of the time, and how alone and pathetic and (on and on) empty and useless I feel and am.

It only takes a visit. And that time flies by in a blink. And when it's over, I can't seem to remember how I could've possibly managed to go through anything alone again. How did I get things done and take care of the daily bullshit of work and at-home routines that pathetically, is all there was and is to my life? Save for those blinks, there is nothing else worth existing for.

I'm sharing the agony and ecstasy of a long distance relationship. Every arrival is an exquisite terror rewarded with the most wonderful feeling of love there can ever be, and every departure is a crushing death, with much warning ahead of time that it's coming and exactly when. And knowing only makes it worse. Utopia must end, no matter what.

There is mourning every time. Hours and days and even weeks of desolation and severe depression. It happens every time. But we still go through it.

With neither of us willing or courageous enough to make the extreme sacrifice, we're both destined to continue this emotional roller-coaster (its hell and heaven, unequally balanced, there's too much time apart).

It's the best thing, to feel so good, even for such a short time. But how much can an aching, lonely, needy (and selfish) heart take?

Hopefully, a lot. I just need some strength. (and patience)
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Comments for charity.... have you seen this? You're surfing the nav bar or some surfing program (or however you end up at whichever blog you happen to be checking out) and come across a blog that claims they will donate a certain dollar amount up to a certain number of comments they receive on a particular day...

Am I the only one wondering why these so-called 'generous people' don't just donate their pre-set amount up front?

Are they really just being comment whores? Is this more for attention and adulation? Is it a scam?

I just find it rather suspicious.

And if they solicit actual money (via paypal or any online payment service) from you fellow surfer, and the money is going to them, then you should be suspicious too.

I guess it is possible that by crying out for such ass kissing attention, they just might inspire some other generous (and rich) souls to do the same thing (if for no other reason, than for the traffic and attention). Whatever the reason (good intentions or need for attention), I just hope there is actual money being donated (and to the causes they claim they will be donating to). Otherwise, this is just another way to "make money on the internet!" under the ruse of charity. Which would be pretty low.

I realize this is a rather cynical view... it would be great to know if such kind acts (as announced) are legit. But how could we know? There really isn't a way to know for sure. I don't mind commenting (for those soliciting them for charity) but there's always that little worry in the back of my mind... are they just wanting some attention, or are they really doing this? Are they laughing at all the gullible people out there? Even so.. I comment. Commenting is free, takes a second, and just might actually add that dollar or whatever.

But those soliciting money? Forget about it.
That's why there are sites like Give.org. To prevent fraud.
Protect yourself.

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I actually wanted to be nerdier. :(
Can't say I'm surprised though.

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Oh no...29 years to go?!
I don't think so...but an interesting quiz nonetheless.


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*sigh*





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Another trip comes and goes.

Months and weeks pass agonizingly slow while waiting. Then finally, it's time. And it feels like "normal," just like that. It feels right. How normal should be (but isn't). Always. How I want it to be, wish it could be, always like that. Good.

But I know better. I know that my true "normal" is so much worse. It's lonely, empty, depressing. Pathetic. I know that it's nothing like the "wonderful" it feels to be with you.

Your presence alone is all I need. Time, touch, attention, laughter...all a bonus. It changes everything.

And when it's gone, when you're gone, I might as well be gone too.

I wish I were.
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I've been watching NBC's The Biggest Loser (well, it's motivating), and I've noticed that the thinner these people get, the meaner they get. With 2 exceptions. (Gary and Moe). So, hmmm... thinner = meaner? Maybe for some. (they could've named this the biggest whiner for a few of the contestants). That's not news. I just wonder if anyone else notices this kind of thing.

I like the show, but I think they should've had a little on camera counseling and a little less filler 'till the commercial. (Really, jeez, looong drawn out lags till they can throw in a commercial before the next pinnacle moment. Get on with it!!)

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You know there are too many commercials spoofing other commercials when you keep expecting the energizer bunny or the geico gecko to stroll thru the current one, because it doesn't seem like it's for a real product.

Imagine the surprise when you learn that it is. A real product, and a real commercial for that real product...like the one that sparked this post. A commercial about a product you can take before a night of drinking to avoid a hangover! Jeez! I thought it was fake. Nope! (bet a lot of drinkers can benefit from this one, if it actually works too, heh)

I guess this also means I watch way too much tv. No argument here.

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"Congratulations!
You are worth $1,744,634.99
and ¥193,342,194.37
and EUR1,449,791.68

I'm worth $1,744,634.99! How much are you worth?"

Yea right.
There's a lot of these "what are you worth" tests out there. At least this one doesn't require an e-mail address to get your bogus results.

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Sometimes everything is so beautiful I want to cry (like fall foliage blazing against an overcast and darkening sky....)

Sometimes I feel under appreciated (usually, really), taken advantage of, and conspired against reaching my so-called potential (for whatever I can do or may possibly be good at...whatever that is...)

Sometimes I long to feel the child I'll never have in my arms. (it will never happen, but sometimes I feel and hear a clock ticking...)

Sometimes I wonder if the Post Fruit/Cocoa Pebbles creators got their inspiration from the colorful and/or dried leaves littering the ground. (strange association maybe... but that's how it looks to me sometimes...)

Halloween will be here soon. I'm sure as a child I loved this holiday (free candy? an excuse to be a little monster? what's not to like?) but as an adult, (and a cynical whiney one at that, yes, I'm aware of it) I really hate it. I don't plan to reward the obnoxious little bastards in my neighborhood for their bad behavior. Maybe some neighborhoods have decent kids that don't block traffic and don't annoy drivers. Maybe you live in Pleasantville? Oh, if only. But I don't. They're nasty little monsters with no need for costumes.

And why do people feel the need to dress up as monsters/ghouls/etc. and scare people when you just need to turn on the news? There's enough ugliness in this world. No need to add to it. Or to the fear. Just another overly commercialized gimme-fest. Get your own!

Blech.
(I guess it's still a but too early for "humbug!"....unless of course you've been to a store recently...it's Christmas there already. )

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Strange to me that such an explosion of beautiful color signifies the death of a season. (or the beginning of one, depending on how you look at it). Also strange to me how some years I pay more attention to the blooms of spring, and some, more to the colorful trees of fall. Makes me feel old to have another year almost over and know I didn't do much of what I intended to do (or told myself I would at the beginning). Soon the holidays will be here and we'll all have to pretend how happy we are and how great everything is. It's something to look forward to if you actually do those festive things. And have cooperative family who want to. Hard not to envy those people who actually feel happy & festive.

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Sad to hear that Christopher Reeve died. A bunch of political cartoonists pay their respects here. Interesting how so many of them are the same. The article I read about him just before he died talked about his hope for the future, and his disappointment at the rate of his progress (to walk again). Depressing.

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So many headaches. No relief. Days and days of eye strain and head pain and heavy heart. A nightmare of minimal proportions I suppose (all things considered). But it's still unbearable at times. "Normal" at others. Sad what "normal" is. I want that life that others take for granted. (or the one where they know how well off they are, and rub it in peoples faces, so they in a sense, deserve to lose it. at least for a while). Hm.

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...The Happy Freaking Ray of Goddamn Sunshine.... just found this to be rather amusing.

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More things I miss:

Hope for the future.
Looking ahead to all the advances our culture and society will (likely) make years and years from now and feeling a pang of sadness (yes) because I wouldn't be around to see (or experience them), but instead, I now long for a more simpler time where everything wasn't automated and there were less people to deal with.

When did this happen?
When Aerosmith (!!) wasn't considered "easy listening." (ballad or otherwise)

Less choices.
When there weren't a hundred different kinds of everything and making what should be a simple decision didn't take an hour trying to figure out which was the best for the cost. (every single time on every single item because there are umpteen versions and brands to wade through)

Who are they?
Knowing who was singing (which singer, group) on the radio no matter who it was, and which song. When did I lose touch with the "hip" stuff?

Oh, the irony.
When it wasn't a daily life or death drama (battling traffic) to get to a place I don't want to be anyway (work).

Gizmo.
My first car. Nothing special to anyone else I'm sure, but it was mine and I miss it.

My pet.
Never get over this one. Many many years and even though I knew the end would come sometime, it's never really possible to prepare for it.



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Things I miss...

That twinge of excitement just before walking into a bookstore.
Used to be, there were many books I liked, just waiting for me to save up the money to buy them, and the excitement was based on how many I could buy "this time," and how great it felt knowing there were a lot waiting for me to get to. I love reading (my eyes don't, but I still try my best). These days, the authors I read the most, either don't write so much anymore, or, have changed their writing style so that I have to be careful and make sure I've read the descriptions before deciding to buy. Supernatural, yes. Gore, blood, guts, no. Mystery, yes. Author changing styles drastically and writing something "completely different!", no. (well, not usually). Author of a series writing something not part of that series, no. I guess I'm getting pickier. When I was younger, a disappointing book didn't bother me so much. Now, definitely bothered. Time is a precious commodity I have too little of. (time and money, need both, have neither)

Sleep.
I miss being able to fall asleep when I'm tired. I miss waking up after a good nights sleep actually feeling rested. Rested. What's that? Something I never feel. Perpetually drained, moody, irritable, stressed, yes, absolutely. Rested and refreshed? That's something only possible in commercials, isn't it? (yea right)

Looking forward to tomorrow.
I don't usually want tomorrow to come. Always fear the worst. Worry something even more annoying, or upsetting, or horrible, or well, you get the point, something I don't want to face might happen. Those "I can't wait for tomorrow!!" days are too far apart and so hard to get to.

The delusion that "growing up" would change me.
When I was a kid, I deluded myself into believing that all the problems I was having then, would somehow vanish by the time I was an adult. Not so. Reality is a bitch. Those problems simply evolve into more complicated issues. I think we're taught that "when you're older" things change. But they don't clarify that the changes will likely be for the worse.


There's more. But that's for another time I guess.


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